You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
