I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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