my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
