I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize