you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
