im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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