I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
