I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
