Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
