Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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