So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
