I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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