he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
