Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
