i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
