just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
