It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
