you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
