I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
