I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
