I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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