Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
