you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
