What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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