Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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