I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
