A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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