I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize