Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
