life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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