This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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