In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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