I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
