halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize