Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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