a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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