Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
