I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
