I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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