There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
