I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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