you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
