Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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