before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
