Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
