i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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