Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
