Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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