You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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