So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
