So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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