omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
