Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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