this beer tastes like vomit already
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
