But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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