Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
