I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
