I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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