Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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