I met the friendliest cop last night
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
