you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
