I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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