My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
