I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How external is "for external use only"?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
