I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
