im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
